Resurrecting Old Relationships: Why Bother?

You miss her. We understand. But why do you want her back? Because you feel lonely? Horny? Incomplete? Unfinished? Maybe you should put your phone down and back away slowly. In order to be fully aware why you aren't currently together, you must backtrack as to why the relationship was unsuccessful to begin with.

There's always a reason as to why serious relationships may end. Its easy to romanticize the time you had together and make yourself believe she was the best you ever had. But when you dig deep and reflect, there are always signs as to why it ended -- arguing, lying, cheating, disagreements, growing apart, and many times just not compatible, but that's tough to admit. But if you try to revive a dead relationships, the cause of death may still be cancerous no matter how hard you tell yourself that it will be different.

The only way I see an old relationship can ever truly live again is with lots and lots of time for personal growth and evolution. The two people you were did not work. Just accept it. But down the line,  if you two have grown significantly on your own and happen to reunite, a new romantic future might stand a chance. To be honest, you'll never get your old relationship back but it can possibly see life in a new body. However, as you evolve by yourself, you might find that you've outgrown her and will no longer want her back.

Either way, don't make any hasty decisions. Utilize your guy friends. They help tremendously. Also, see Placeholders: The "In-Between" Girlfriends -- it might help)

How Many People Have You Slept With? Why Does It Matter?

The Number -- One way or another, you'll be asked how many people you've slept with. But why does it matter to some people and what does it say about you? If girls sleep with a bunch of guys, they're considered sluts ...but why? To me, I see a deeper issue here. When a female has a high number of guys she's slept with, I start to question her emotional (in)stability. I think this is also is true for guys. Guys are stereo-typically not in touch with their emotions, yet many males I know are quite the opposite of what they're expected to be. On the other hand, girls seem to be evolving into what men used to be - less emotion and "casual" is no big deal.

Today, it's not uncommon for a female, in her early 20's, to have slept with 10-20 guys. This could either mean she's emotionally damaged and needs to force intimacy in order to boost her own self-esteem. Or it could also mean that a modern female is more in-tuned to her own sexual desires. And since women can get casual sex way easier than men can (don't try to dispute or challenge that proven theory), they might be secure enough to take advantage of those sexual opportunities.

But as a person's number continues to grow, I begin to wonder how they'd manage a one-on-one relationship. Would they get bored? Or would they be satisfied enough from their retired single-hood that they're ready for monogamy, more so than someone who has had significantly less partners. There are also those people who bounce around from one relationship to the next (aka "relationship hoppers"), which is transparently unhealthy and co-dependent.

So, what does this all mean? Are we becoming a culture who views sex as leisure fun? And if so, does this make a monogamous future difficult or easier to maintain? It seems many couples get divorced because they want to be free and explore their suppressed sexuality. I try not to judge a girl on her number but the truth is, my own insecurities and masculinity still comes into play on a subconscious level ...I wish I could change that! Sometimes I think sleeping with a bunch of females would help me feel better, but it never does. It wears off.

So the question still remains: is it in our blood to be promiscuous or are we having a lot of casual sex to combat a deeper issue?

(A response from guest writer, Spyro - 12/5/11)
Evolutionary biology suggests that men are hard-wired for promiscuity, and women for choosiness (see here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_selection). But the standards by which we judge sexual behavior may be based on a set of presumptions that were either false from the start or are artifacts from a much earlier period of human existence. For example, the notion that men think much more frequently about sex than do women seems to be false (see here: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2011/11/28/do_men_really_think_about_sex_more_often_than_women_.html). My guess is that this piece of hearsay probably reflects more about each sex's stereotype of the other than about reality. The 20th century emancipation of women from subservience simply allowed the not-so-insignificant female sexuality to come to the forefront. Moreover, the concurrent destigmatization of sexual desire let humanity acknowledge what it has known to be true all along: humans are pleasure-seekers, and will always enthusiastically seek a good romp.

Dating Etiquette 101: Courtesy Counts!

While living in a modern, self-centered, narcissistic world, we sometimes forget the manors our parents taught us when we were tots .....or if you're part of the growing trend of being raised by crappy, neglectful parents, then you have no manors and you're the spawn of low class assh*les.

But hey, don't worry! That's why we're here to teach you little courteous gestures that can go a long way with a woman. Follow these simple steps:

Let her suggest the activity.
Forget what those macho, chauvinistic men say. When making plans to go on a date, ask her what she'd like to do and where she'd like to do. It's completely fine to add your input but do it together. This isn't a dictatorship. Ask what she'd like to do first and build upon her idea. She shouldn't need to be at your pleasurable mercy.

Greet her at her door.
There's no need to honk your obnoxious horn from the street. Taking those few measly steps to ring her doorbell will show her you put that tiny extra bit of effort to make her special.

Open the car door for her.
It's okay to be a little old fashion. You're taking her out on a date. She isn't your buddy that you go bar-hopping with. If you already greeted her at her door, this should be a fairly easy step since you're both walking to the same vehicle!

Open the door for her when you enter the date-activity.
Whether it be a restaurant, bar, movie theater, or blood donation center; if you don't open the door for your date, you should probably take her back home and apologize for wasting her time.

Pull out her chair before she sits.
Again, an oldie but a goodie. She really won't expect this one (isn't that sad?) but I bet she'll be quite impressed by your gentleman-like nature.


Offer to pay but DO NOT insist.
Today's modern woman varies. Some like traditionalism. Others are widely offended by the antique notion. There's no reason you can't offer to pay ....you should, especially if you asked her out. However, if she seems firm about splitting the bill (or paying) then don't put up a fight. This can be tricky because you may think she's trying to call your bluff. And sometimes, she is. But feel it out. Feel her out. That's why you're sitting down to dinner and/or drinks ....to get more acquainted with who she is. Movies take less time but this might be a good opportunity to order your tickets online. It's thoughtful and there's no room for debate.

Don't make it a one-time thing!
Follow these simple steps of simple detail and you will easily raise your chances of getting another date. Just don't forget -- make courtesy a habit! You have to keep the kindness going, even after you get into a relationship. Integrate courteousness into your attributes. Not just for a woman, but in society. They go a long way....and maybe your potential, future relationship will too.

Online Flirting While in a Relationship

I apologize in advance if I’m too direct in this article but I have a very firm opinion on this subject. Regardless if the flirting is done online or in person, it is wrong. It may seem harmless because there is a computer distancing you from this other person, but the fact remains that you are dedicating time and to a degree fantasizing about this other person. Flirting does not have to be done in person for it to inspire arousal and doing it online can certainly lead to more involved situations as well. Consider how you would feel if your significant other was to do the same, does it bother you? Odds are it certainly will. If it doesn’t, then you might want to re evaluate your relationship because there might be a serious issue. 

If your partner engaged in some online flirting, you need to talk about it and express all of your concerns and feelings about it. Don’t just keep it bottled up because it will only create more problems down the road. It’s similar to getting a pebble stuck in your shoe. It may not bother you right away, but it won’t go away and when combined with others it causes a bigger problem.

Online flirting has increased significantly over the years as a reason for divorce. To me, and I’m sure I’m not alone when I say this, there is no difference whether it’s online or not. It is wrong, and has the potential to seriously hurt. To you it may just be a little harmless fun, but your “significant” other will feel betrayed and the person you are flirting with will also feel deceived. Talk about killing two birds with one stone.

Bumping Into Your Ex: How Do You Act?

Let's be honest ....it's never a comfortable situation when you either, coincidentally bump into your ex or know in advance that you'll have to see her at a social function. Part of you wants to see her just to subconsciously show her how well you're doing (aka "look at the prize you dumped!") and the other part of you wants to avoid her completely. Unfortunately, if you have mutual friends, the inevitability of seeing her again is likely. However, you can handle it the correct way and keep moving forward.

If you are forced to engage in conversation with her, remember to keep it brief. She doesn't deserve your time and hopefully, there are other surrounding friends to chat with other than her. Also, don't completely ignore her. It's childish and shows you're still affected by her. Don't be overly friendly either. All she deserves is a friendly wave from across the bar. Nothing more than that. Don't forget -- she isn't in your life anymore, so why would she need anything more than a wave?

Don't overcompensate. Don't try too hard to flirt with girls you see just for the sake of developing jealously. Most likely, she doesn't care anyway. If she shows up with a new guy, don't show any sign of emotion. She's in the past. Whoever she dates is none of your business. If she's already in the past, there's somewhere else better out there for you .......you probably hear that a lot but it's true.

Cheating: Can A Relationship Survive?

Many people deal with the problems of unfaithful partners. There is not much to say about it except that it's wrong. If you make an agreement with somebody (especially one involving real emotional attachment) keep it. Keep your pants on and be honest! If you aren't happy about your relationship, talk about it or leave. DO NOT LIE.

That being said, once a partner has cheated there are still a lot of issues to deal with. Just breaking up isn't always so easy. Sometimes people want to stay together even through hard times. Unfortunately for most people, once trust is lost it is not easily regained.

This loss of trust leads to suspicion, jealousy, arguments, and often the "break-up-make-up" routine. This happens because both people still want to be together even though one (or both) of them cannot get over the past. Getting over a betrayal is very difficult, especially if it comes from someone who you really care about. This is the time to ask yourself an important question. "Can I forgive them?" Put all the reasons, anger, and intricacies of the problem away and ask yourself that one simple question. If the answer is yes, then you have something to work with. However, if the answer is no, then it is time to part ways. What happens often is the answer turns out to be "I don't know." Take some time, and think it over. Just don't put it aside and pretend that there isn't a problem. Those feelings won't go away unless you acknowledge them. No relationship works without trust, and no relationship works with grudges.

A moral for all involved:

Before you break a promise, evaluate how important that relationship is to you. If it isn't important enough to keep, don't be in the relationship.

If you broke a promise and are now regretting it, make your intentions clear. It is going to take hard work and time to get that trust back.

If you're trust was broken, take some time to think it over. If you can find it in you to forgive that person, there may be hope to restore you relationship. If you can't, don't waste your time (or theirs) trifling over problems that you won't ever fix. It is time to move on and heal.

Relationship “Breaks”: Personal Space or a Graceful End?

Not too long ago, I wrote an article on the importance of having personal hobbies/interests in a relationship that you can do without your significant other. These are necessary so that one of you doesn’t begin to feel smothered or held back in any way. If it reaches that point, a relationship “break” is most likely going to cross one of your minds.

From my personal experience and stories I’ve read/heard, “breaks” rarely work out as just that. Whether it’s because one of you crossed a line while you two were apart, or one of you realized you are happier/ don’t miss the other, it usually brings more problems than solutions. Even if you do work things out and decide to try again, you will most likely feel like something is just… isn’t right. This is especially true if one of you spent some time with a new person on an intimate level. 

If you are the one initiating the break, make sure it’s what you really want and understand potential consequences before you have the talk. For most, hearing those words “let’s take a break,” could mean “let’s see other people” and potentially backfire on the little bit of space you may have wanted. Maybe just a few days away from them will make you feel different instead of going the extreme and possibly ruining the relationship. Regardless if you are initiating it or not, make sure rules are set as to what is OK and what isn’t so as to avoid making things more problematic. If rules don’t sound like something you want during this break then call it what it is, a break up. Don’t be misleading and give your once significant other false hope in getting back together, or leave them thinking that you are going to be taking personal time when you are planning on going on dates. The best thing you can do is be honest, no matter how difficult it may be.

The Bar Scene: Not For You? There's Still Hope

If you are like me, then going out to a bar with some friends is usually a good time for you. However, going out to a bar in the hopes of finding romance just doesn't seem to work. Through about 10 minutes of heavy introspection, I have come up with a list of why I can't seem to find interest in any women I've met at bars. I will post it in case any of you out there relate:

1. I am not attracted to drunkenness. Stumbling women who can't speak coherently just don't do it for me. I like good conversation, and I like to be remembered the next day.

2. That "Girls Night Out" look (You know the one with a tight black dress, sparkles, high heels, a ton of make-up, and more hairspray than you'd like to think) does not appeal to me. I understand that you are trying to sell yourself a little. After all, you can't meet someone new if they don't notice you. Yet, something always tells me that the ones who try that hard have more to show than they do to say. Maybe it's a little judgmental of me, or maybe it's just my instinct that if someone is trying that hard to lure me in, they must have alterior motives.

3. I like good conversations. Some bars are good for this. Mostly, those bars are full of middle aged divorcees and burnt out alcoholics. Otherwise, they tend not to be full at all. The bars filled with young single crowds always seem to blast with music. I like to talk a lot more than I like to dance. So, naturally, this is a poor environment to find someone that interests me.

Well, three reasons are all I'm going to pull out right now. So, let's get on with some analysis!

Back when you were in high school, meeting new people was easy. You were around hundreds of people all day and, with loads of free time, meeting friends of friends or going to local hangout spots was more a lifestyle than a choice.

College is a little tougher. With a lot more schoolwork, and most likely a job, there is less time to go out and meet new people. Also, all of your friends stopped hanging out on the street corners and local parks, opting for more secure spots like bars, clubs, homes, apartments, etc. If you are attending a mainly commuter school, meeting new people becomes even more difficult.  

Out in the working world, you have less of a pool to choose from. The need to remain professional with coworkers rules out many people you meet through work. More and more time is consumed by your career, and your friends only go out on certain days and mostly out to bars (which we discussed briefly above) or restaurants (which aren't a great meeting place for singles).

For everyone out there, in college, at work, or both, I have advice. Don't be shy. If you are at the supermarket, cafe, bookstore, library, or just about anywhere and you see somebody interesting, just say "Hello." Well, also say something interesting. You don't want to seem creepy. If you can't think of anything to say, look around. There has to be something that affects both of you that you have an opinion on. After all, you are in the same place!

If you need a more social setting to feel comfortable, there are still options. If you go to college (even a commuter college) there is bound to be some sort of recreation room. You can also join clubs. These are great places to meet new people who you already have something in common with. 

If you are out in the working world, believe it or not, there are places adults go for recreation that don't involve intoxication. Check out local parks, coffee shops, hobby shops, etc.

Now there are two important rules and they are not easy.

1. Don't be shy. You can't meet anyone new without speaking to them.

2. Don't go in with any expectations. Go out to have fun. If you are scouting for a hot lady, she will probably catch on to your motives.
3. When you talk to someone new, say something interesting, spark a conversation, and DON'T just use some corny pick-up line.
4. Be you, be real and don't lose your patience. Meeting someone special can take a long time. Remember, you are important and unique, so finding a compatible partner probably isn't as easy as you would like it to be.

Okay, so that was more than two...

Microbreweries: The Next Great Date Spot?

Beer is no longer the desired piss-colored/flavored moonshine of shlubby men ....well, it still is, but if you haven't taken notice to the new wave of independent microbreweries sweeping the nation, then you must be a lonely bachelor who drinks 2fers at Applebees (no hatin'). Beer has developed a new sense of sophistication through these microbreweries and as a result, appeals to people of all varieties.

Finding a good place to have wine and a conversation has become pricey and rare. For us working class stiffs, we want to take a lady somewhere that says; "I'm cultured enough to not suggest a corporate establishment and possibly introduce you somewhere new ....because hey, I'm new to you and this is my subtle way of making a good impression."

Microbreweries are viewed with high regard for their creative beers, festive atmosphere, and individualistic charm. By taking your date to one, the same appeal may easily rub off on her perception of you. You're creative, festive, and an individual, right?!

A popular drink this time of year is the Pumpkin Spice Ale, with a cinnamon coated rim. Gents and dames alike find it satisfying, as it's not the kind of drink that suggests intoxication will ensue but rather: great taste + warm setting + nice conversation = a successful date.

Just like trying a new glass of Merlot, trying out a new craft beer may also result in a fun, adventurous experience .....just like your overall date has the potential to do.

Are you understanding the correlation I'm trying to make? Good. Then you've learned something.

Cheers!

Jealousy: The Delicate Balance

Whether you’re just starting a new relationship or you are several months in and taking things serious, odds are your lover has some friends of the opposite sex. We’ve all read, heard, or personally experienced these situations and whether jealousy is justified about these friends. It’s important to voice these concerns with your lover and understand their relationship with them. These could be friends they’ve had for several years and never had any deeper feelings for them, while you are becoming increasingly concerned and jealous when they hang out together.

While communication is necessary for you to understand their friendship and not to worry, it is also crucial to remember the conversation the next time they meet up and not bombard them with questions when they get home. Lack of trust becomes extremely irritating and can cost you the relationship. Its ok to be jealous at times, it shows you care for the person and are protective of them, but only in small doses is it cute and, to be blunt, acceptable.

Does this concern stem from a past relationship you had? Tough. Remember that everyone is different and whatever was done to you by your last boyfriend or girlfriend has no bearing in this new relationship. Just because he or she may have betrayed your trust, does not mean your new mate will do the same. They are different people with different opinions, which after an experience like that you need, right? Just remember, jealousy can be nice to show you care, but too much will cripple the relationship causing you to lose that thing you were so desperately trying to protect.

Long-Term Relationships: How To Survive

Relationships can be great. They can be interesting, exciting, full of new experiences, and the realizations of new points of view. They can also be painful, irritating, stressful, and terribly boring. Realistically, a relationship will at some point incite all, or most, of these feelings. The question remains. Why can something that excites a person at one stage in a relationship irritate them in another?

Let's first look at the budding relationship. Getting to know somebody romantically for the first time can be very exciting. Your brain is active and curious. It is almost like being a child again, when everything in the world seemed new and interesting. Even things that you didn't have respect for previously seem to make more sense when they come from the mind of somebody you admire. You may want to hear what they have to say because you are interested, and you don't know what to expect from them. However, during this time, people gain a lot of expectations of each other.

After a while, like any parent, supervisor, or teacher; we want consistency. At the same time, our partners may want change. When our expectations are proven false, it is easy to become irritated, and penalize someone who we care about. Remember that you're relationship is not your job and, more importantly, there is no boss.

The same problem can occur from the other end. If you're looking for change and excitement, and you're partner likes to do the same thing every Friday night, you may find yourself very unhappy. Again, remember that you are not the boss. If you want to do something different this weekend, let your partner know in advance so you can discuss it. Don't just spring it up at the last minute. Compromising is the best way to get around this problem. I am sure that anybody reading this knows that if one person in the relationship isn't happy in a certain surrounding, neither of them are.

Just to recap: the most exciting part of a relationship is usually the beginning. One reason for this is because the two involved are learning about each other and they don't know what to EXPECT. So, if you're looking for that extra excitement in you're relationship, you don't need to stretch too far. If you are having trouble relating to you're partner's new interests, you might not have to try so hard. Maybe, all you need is to lessen your expectations. I say "lessen" and not "lower" because you should never have low expectations of someone you love. Have less of them. Leave the past behind and treat every moment like a new one.

There is a Japanese saying: "Ichi go ichi e" Literally, it translates to "One opportunity, one encounter." It is used to remind people that every situation is a unique one, with a unique solution, or that every moment only happens once in a lifetime.

The cheesy moral of this post: If you love your partner, love them all the time. Love them today the same way you loved them when you first met, with wonder and respect. Respect your differences, and respect their habits.