Appeciate Your Relationship While You Still Have It!

Maybe many relationships end prematurely are due to a lack of appreciation for what you have. We all know "the grass is greener" theory and for the most part, it is not a theory. It's true. Too many of us end relationships before they've had time to develop or we end up straying because we don't realize the gold in our hands. Of course we don't see that gold until it has washed away.

I've been single for almost a year now and I didn't ask to be single. But when I was in the relationship (and happy), I remember telling myself to remember these warm moments because some day, I may not have it always. I'm glad I cherished those moments and I don't say this because I'm longing for her again. It's important to remember what makes our hearts feel most alive because those moments are such rarities for many of us. And when we don't take a second to value the relationship, it can easily disappear with the tide.

I'm glad I remember those memories because it saves me from not having to be a complete whore. It made me appreciate romance and substance. Those quickies don't mean shit once you've tasted love. And all of those females that come in-and-out of your life, faster than your digestive system, mean something too. It makes you appreciate the very, very few females who made your heart feel real .....and all the others seem so disposable.

 In other words, take more mental pictures.

Resurrecting Old Relationships: Why Bother?

You miss her. We understand. But why do you want her back? Because you feel lonely? Horny? Incomplete? Unfinished? Maybe you should put your phone down and back away slowly. In order to be fully aware why you aren't currently together, you must backtrack as to why the relationship was unsuccessful to begin with.

There's always a reason as to why serious relationships may end. Its easy to romanticize the time you had together and make yourself believe she was the best you ever had. But when you dig deep and reflect, there are always signs as to why it ended -- arguing, lying, cheating, disagreements, growing apart, and many times just not compatible, but that's tough to admit. But if you try to revive a dead relationships, the cause of death may still be cancerous no matter how hard you tell yourself that it will be different.

The only way I see an old relationship can ever truly live again is with lots and lots of time for personal growth and evolution. The two people you were did not work. Just accept it. But down the line,  if you two have grown significantly on your own and happen to reunite, a new romantic future might stand a chance. To be honest, you'll never get your old relationship back but it can possibly see life in a new body. However, as you evolve by yourself, you might find that you've outgrown her and will no longer want her back.

Either way, don't make any hasty decisions. Utilize your guy friends. They help tremendously. Also, see Placeholders: The "In-Between" Girlfriends -- it might help)

Placeholders: The "In-Between" Girlfriends

If you don't know what a placeholder is, to put it simply, they're girls you're not that interested in having a romantic future with but they'll do for the time being. They're glorified seat warmers. They keep you from getting rusty in the dating game. They're typically not someone you're head-over-heels for. Usually lacking something (or many things). They're either decently attractive with a tolerable personality, or pretty hot with a dull personality. In other words, they don't completely fulfill you. But hey! You're lonely and she's willing, so what the hell, right?

It's important to make sure that you don't let a placeholder become too attached. Know your goal and stick to it. Are you doing it for the sex? Is she good arm-candy? Is she just someone cool to hang and talk with? Don't forget why she's a placeholder to you -- she's filling the void of your ex-girlfriend, until you meet someone that's worth your full romantic future (aka your next legit girlfriend)

The sticky part about dating placeholders is you can easily come off as a douche bag .....and let's be honest, you pretty much are. But that's why its necessary to never verbally express your interest in her .....because you're not. She's already giving you what you need. You don't love her, so never say it. Now isn't the time to express your feelings.

Now is the time to have fun and f*ck around a bit. Got it?!

Cheers.

Are The Best Girls Already Taken?

I probably sound like a whiner but I feel like every lovely girl I meet is already taken. See, it's not like I don't meet great girls -- there are plenty! But unfortunately, some other chump has always beat me to the punch ...usually years before I ever meet her. I'd say about 70% of the 'already-taken' girls I meet, have been with their boyfriend for over a year or two. The others usually just started dating their mates within a few months' time. Then I give myself the same rant; "Son of a b*tch! They're always f*cking taken! If I had only met them sooner!"  The most annoying part is, this happens way too often. I can think of a few females, within the last week, whom I've met and found out they're already spoken for.

What's funnier is, the single girls I meet are always single for an obvious reason: outer appearance, emotionally distraught from previous relationships, daddy issues, alcohol problems, going through 'slutty period', or just an overall crappy personality.

Believe me, I'm not one of those guys who wants what he can't have. Rather, I feel like a guy who has sh*t luck. I try to tell myself; "She won't be with that guy forever. Eventually, they'll break up...", but I don't want to be a post-relationship 'rebound'. I also don't want to pick up the mess that her ex left her with. In other words, when a girl mentions her boyfriend, I block her out of my (potential-for-dating) mind.

I'm also realizing not to take certain opportunities for granted. If I meet a female who I have a crush on and she's also single, there's no time to pussyfoot around and "let romance unfold naturally" -- That's bullsh*t. I have to take action. No more of this laissez-faire attitude!

Easier said than done, I know.

We'll see......

How Many People Have You Slept With? Why Does It Matter?

The Number -- One way or another, you'll be asked how many people you've slept with. But why does it matter to some people and what does it say about you? If girls sleep with a bunch of guys, they're considered sluts ...but why? To me, I see a deeper issue here. When a female has a high number of guys she's slept with, I start to question her emotional (in)stability. I think this is also is true for guys. Guys are stereo-typically not in touch with their emotions, yet many males I know are quite the opposite of what they're expected to be. On the other hand, girls seem to be evolving into what men used to be - less emotion and "casual" is no big deal.

Today, it's not uncommon for a female, in her early 20's, to have slept with 10-20 guys. This could either mean she's emotionally damaged and needs to force intimacy in order to boost her own self-esteem. Or it could also mean that a modern female is more in-tuned to her own sexual desires. And since women can get casual sex way easier than men can (don't try to dispute or challenge that proven theory), they might be secure enough to take advantage of those sexual opportunities.

But as a person's number continues to grow, I begin to wonder how they'd manage a one-on-one relationship. Would they get bored? Or would they be satisfied enough from their retired single-hood that they're ready for monogamy, more so than someone who has had significantly less partners. There are also those people who bounce around from one relationship to the next (aka "relationship hoppers"), which is transparently unhealthy and co-dependent.

So, what does this all mean? Are we becoming a culture who views sex as leisure fun? And if so, does this make a monogamous future difficult or easier to maintain? It seems many couples get divorced because they want to be free and explore their suppressed sexuality. I try not to judge a girl on her number but the truth is, my own insecurities and masculinity still comes into play on a subconscious level ...I wish I could change that! Sometimes I think sleeping with a bunch of females would help me feel better, but it never does. It wears off.

So the question still remains: is it in our blood to be promiscuous or are we having a lot of casual sex to combat a deeper issue?

(A response from guest writer, Spyro - 12/5/11)
Evolutionary biology suggests that men are hard-wired for promiscuity, and women for choosiness (see here:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_selection). But the standards by which we judge sexual behavior may be based on a set of presumptions that were either false from the start or are artifacts from a much earlier period of human existence. For example, the notion that men think much more frequently about sex than do women seems to be false (see here: http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2011/11/28/do_men_really_think_about_sex_more_often_than_women_.html). My guess is that this piece of hearsay probably reflects more about each sex's stereotype of the other than about reality. The 20th century emancipation of women from subservience simply allowed the not-so-insignificant female sexuality to come to the forefront. Moreover, the concurrent destigmatization of sexual desire let humanity acknowledge what it has known to be true all along: humans are pleasure-seekers, and will always enthusiastically seek a good romp.

Single Women at Weddings - Age Matters

Hooray! Wedding season is finally over for the year! Now I can hang my 1 makeshift suit back in the closet and remove the word "Open Bar" from my vernacular. I've come to the conclusion that the amount of single females depends on the age of the bride. The older the couple getting married (30s, 40s) -- the more locked-down couples there are -- which means the more lonely you feel. But if the couple is in their 20s, the more of a shot you have at meeting single girls.

In today's society, people barely get married in their 20s anymore. Out of the 6 weddings I was invited to this Fall, only 2 ceremonial couples were 20'something.The rest were in their 30s and 40s. Why is this? The trending story I continue to hear is; "I had A LOT of fun in my 20s but once I hit my 30s, I decided to cool down." .....Okay, I get it. Nobody wants to be tied down, especially in their wild youth. But are we having too much fun? Perhaps, are we creating too much baggage? Or is it healthier to wait awhile before we settle down?

This may sound grim but I'm curious to see which (out of the 6) couples will file for divorce. Considering the national statistics, it's bound to happen, right? This past weekend, my great aunt said something funny; "Everyone should get married twice. The first one is a practice run." It makes me wonder if, at a certain age, we want to be married and reproduce so badly, more than we want to find "that special someone". Some of you may have met that person in your 20s but you let them slip away because you weren't ready to settle down. Others needed time to date the  'wrong ones'.

I'll admit this -- out of all of these wedding ceremonies I've witnessed, I did get emotional at a couple of them. Going through all of this trouble to get married must mean something -- preparation, planning, financing, inviting guests, and months of anticipation. Why do we do it? Some do it for ego and display ....but I think most do it for love......real, genuine love....

and that's sweet....

Cheating: Can A Relationship Survive?

Many people deal with the problems of unfaithful partners. There is not much to say about it except that it's wrong. If you make an agreement with somebody (especially one involving real emotional attachment) keep it. Keep your pants on and be honest! If you aren't happy about your relationship, talk about it or leave. DO NOT LIE.

That being said, once a partner has cheated there are still a lot of issues to deal with. Just breaking up isn't always so easy. Sometimes people want to stay together even through hard times. Unfortunately for most people, once trust is lost it is not easily regained.

This loss of trust leads to suspicion, jealousy, arguments, and often the "break-up-make-up" routine. This happens because both people still want to be together even though one (or both) of them cannot get over the past. Getting over a betrayal is very difficult, especially if it comes from someone who you really care about. This is the time to ask yourself an important question. "Can I forgive them?" Put all the reasons, anger, and intricacies of the problem away and ask yourself that one simple question. If the answer is yes, then you have something to work with. However, if the answer is no, then it is time to part ways. What happens often is the answer turns out to be "I don't know." Take some time, and think it over. Just don't put it aside and pretend that there isn't a problem. Those feelings won't go away unless you acknowledge them. No relationship works without trust, and no relationship works with grudges.

A moral for all involved:

Before you break a promise, evaluate how important that relationship is to you. If it isn't important enough to keep, don't be in the relationship.

If you broke a promise and are now regretting it, make your intentions clear. It is going to take hard work and time to get that trust back.

If you're trust was broken, take some time to think it over. If you can find it in you to forgive that person, there may be hope to restore you relationship. If you can't, don't waste your time (or theirs) trifling over problems that you won't ever fix. It is time to move on and heal.