A Female Perspective - Fantasy Relationships: Knowing When To Quit!

(By guest female writer, Hanna B)

 At some point or another, all women are guilty of this; creating a "fantasy relationship" out of thin air. This may happen when you’re crushing on that cute guy at work, flirting with the smart guy in your sociology class, or while you’re seeing someone who is clearly not looking for anything serious.

Let’s face it -- we start by spending time with them even though we know they’re not the relationship type. We tell ourselves; “It’s okay if he doesn’t want anything serious. I just want to have a good time. He’s so cute!” We settle for a guy who just wants to mess around, instead of moving on and waiting for the guy who will treat us right. Why do we do this? Because we think we will ultimately change his mind and make him change his rules?

Men don’t change their minds or their rules. When they have made up their mind about something, you better believe they will stick to it. If he’s already pegged you as the “just for fun” type of girl, he won’t see you as anything different. We believe that our good nature, sweet smile, and fun-to-be-around personality will change their minds about a relationship. But the only person that can change his mind is himself.

By letting ourselves get carried away and putting our energy into a guy who is not planning on sticking around, we are selling ourselves short. We deserve a guy who is willing to put in the time and effort that we put in everyday. Stop yourself from trying to "read between the lines". Pay attention to his actions and what he’s really saying. Here are some signs that the guy, you’re seeing, does not want a relationship and it’s time to move on:

1. He tells you he’s "really busy right now" and doesn’t have time for anything serious.
2. He makes excuses for why he hasn’t texted you, called you, or communicated with you at all that day.
3. He usually doesn’t invite you on outings with his friends or family.
4. He is unwilling to show any signs of affection in public. (Some guys are not into PDA, but if he won’t even hold your hand when you're out ...come on!)
5. He wants to stay inside a lot and “cuddle” (aka not cuddling).
6. He has money but seems unwilling to pay for anything; including a dinner, movie ticket, or coffee (Doesn’t have to be much, even a simple coffee will suffice.)

Don’t ignore the signs, and don’t think that because he suddenly did something semi-romantic, such as took you out for dinner, that he has changed his mind about a relationship. Unless he takes action and actually asks you to be exclusive, don’t let yourself get carried away. It’s OK to casually date as long as you know that’s all it is.

If you want something more, don’t settle for less because you deserve to be happy. I recently read a book titled, “Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl” by Sherry Argov. If you always seem to choose the wrong guy, give way too much of yourself (while receiving nothing in return), or just need some woman-empowerment, then I suggest you pick up this book.

Placeholders: The "In-Between" Girlfriends

If you don't know what a placeholder is, to put it simply, they're girls you're not that interested in having a romantic future with but they'll do for the time being. They're glorified seat warmers. They keep you from getting rusty in the dating game. They're typically not someone you're head-over-heels for. Usually lacking something (or many things). They're either decently attractive with a tolerable personality, or pretty hot with a dull personality. In other words, they don't completely fulfill you. But hey! You're lonely and she's willing, so what the hell, right?

It's important to make sure that you don't let a placeholder become too attached. Know your goal and stick to it. Are you doing it for the sex? Is she good arm-candy? Is she just someone cool to hang and talk with? Don't forget why she's a placeholder to you -- she's filling the void of your ex-girlfriend, until you meet someone that's worth your full romantic future (aka your next legit girlfriend)

The sticky part about dating placeholders is you can easily come off as a douche bag .....and let's be honest, you pretty much are. But that's why its necessary to never verbally express your interest in her .....because you're not. She's already giving you what you need. You don't love her, so never say it. Now isn't the time to express your feelings.

Now is the time to have fun and f*ck around a bit. Got it?!

Cheers.

The Art of "Hooking Up" at House Parties

Whichever your reason is for finding a little action, house parties & get-togethers seem to be a great spot for gettin' some. But why? Social engagements at someone's household presents a more-relaxed environment, free alcohol, comfortable seating, mutual friends (which means- easier introductions), and for god sakes -- it's a home, where most sexual activity takes place (i.e. in bedrooms)!

If you're not a typical Johnny Playboy, who can go up to females in loud, crowded bars/clubs, and strike up a conversation (aka screaming match) until you're able to get her number or creepily go home with her -- don't worry! House parties provide the same materials, except you're already inside a house (get it?).

Striking up a conversation with a female feels easier at a house party because you're (usually) surrounded by mutual friends. This means you have a better shot at striking up a conversation with someone because your friend is there to vouch for you. If you're not looking to get your socks rocked, at least you have a decent shot at getting a female's number.

Let's Get Physical:
If you are looking for some tonsil hockey (or more), doing so in someone's home seems quite easier. There are a few things to consider:

1) Alcohol consumption of you and your target female - This depends on how big of a douche you are).

2) The other guests - Make sure you don't come off as a creep. If you're feeling good vibes, let it happen. She's not your public Playdough).
3) Waiting it out - You may have to wait till toward the end of the party. You're not going to just pull her into an empty bedroom and go at it ....well, unless she's down for that.
4) Consider a car - If she's all over you and is figuratively spelling out that she "wants a piece", suggest to her how you have a new album of some artist she likes and go have a listen in your vehicle. Believe it or not, it works sometimes.

If these steps haven't made me seem like a total tool yet, I hope you learn how to spot douchy guy at the next party you go to. If anything, maybe you'll be her saviour and then you'll get some unexpected action.

My Parents Are Cooler Than Me!

It's Friday night. My mom is getting dressed, getting ready for her date, while humming the Mike Posner song; "It's probably because you think you're cooler than me...". I'm in a t-shirt and boxer shorts, eating an Apple with a knife; carelessly carving off slices like Crocodile Dundee. Suddenly, it dawns on me .....my mom has a more enjoyable social life than I do. Holy crap.

It's not that I don't have the option to go out on a weekend evening. Maybe I'm jaded? When I play a potential night-out in my head, it proceeds as such: Go out with friends, have a few drinks, talk to tacky girls who are of no interest in me, get home late, and fall asleep to Craig Ferguson on my DVR. It's the feeling of an unsatisfactory chain of events. Ironically, whenever I'm in a relationship, anything we do always turns out to be so goddamn fulfilling! Even laying in bed, watching movie with a mate, is more entertaining than standing in a crowded bar while loud thumps of shitty pop music causing damage to my ear drums.

This leads me to conclude that all of my friends, who say they love going out and partying are either: 1) Lying, or 2) "Going through a phase" ...because anyone who says they love being single has either been put through the rinse-cycle too many times in the relationship department, or they've gotten so used to their way of life that loneliness and empty sex has become their norm.

My mom goes out because she spent far too many years under the oppression of my father. This makes me optimistic for my romantic future, because if she can truly live her life again, so can I. But this doesn't mean I'll find it sitting at a bar-stool.

Dating Etiquette 101: Courtesy Counts!

While living in a modern, self-centered, narcissistic world, we sometimes forget the manors our parents taught us when we were tots .....or if you're part of the growing trend of being raised by crappy, neglectful parents, then you have no manors and you're the spawn of low class assh*les.

But hey, don't worry! That's why we're here to teach you little courteous gestures that can go a long way with a woman. Follow these simple steps:

Let her suggest the activity.
Forget what those macho, chauvinistic men say. When making plans to go on a date, ask her what she'd like to do and where she'd like to do. It's completely fine to add your input but do it together. This isn't a dictatorship. Ask what she'd like to do first and build upon her idea. She shouldn't need to be at your pleasurable mercy.

Greet her at her door.
There's no need to honk your obnoxious horn from the street. Taking those few measly steps to ring her doorbell will show her you put that tiny extra bit of effort to make her special.

Open the car door for her.
It's okay to be a little old fashion. You're taking her out on a date. She isn't your buddy that you go bar-hopping with. If you already greeted her at her door, this should be a fairly easy step since you're both walking to the same vehicle!

Open the door for her when you enter the date-activity.
Whether it be a restaurant, bar, movie theater, or blood donation center; if you don't open the door for your date, you should probably take her back home and apologize for wasting her time.

Pull out her chair before she sits.
Again, an oldie but a goodie. She really won't expect this one (isn't that sad?) but I bet she'll be quite impressed by your gentleman-like nature.


Offer to pay but DO NOT insist.
Today's modern woman varies. Some like traditionalism. Others are widely offended by the antique notion. There's no reason you can't offer to pay ....you should, especially if you asked her out. However, if she seems firm about splitting the bill (or paying) then don't put up a fight. This can be tricky because you may think she's trying to call your bluff. And sometimes, she is. But feel it out. Feel her out. That's why you're sitting down to dinner and/or drinks ....to get more acquainted with who she is. Movies take less time but this might be a good opportunity to order your tickets online. It's thoughtful and there's no room for debate.

Don't make it a one-time thing!
Follow these simple steps of simple detail and you will easily raise your chances of getting another date. Just don't forget -- make courtesy a habit! You have to keep the kindness going, even after you get into a relationship. Integrate courteousness into your attributes. Not just for a woman, but in society. They go a long way....and maybe your potential, future relationship will too.

Long-Term Relationships: How To Survive

Relationships can be great. They can be interesting, exciting, full of new experiences, and the realizations of new points of view. They can also be painful, irritating, stressful, and terribly boring. Realistically, a relationship will at some point incite all, or most, of these feelings. The question remains. Why can something that excites a person at one stage in a relationship irritate them in another?

Let's first look at the budding relationship. Getting to know somebody romantically for the first time can be very exciting. Your brain is active and curious. It is almost like being a child again, when everything in the world seemed new and interesting. Even things that you didn't have respect for previously seem to make more sense when they come from the mind of somebody you admire. You may want to hear what they have to say because you are interested, and you don't know what to expect from them. However, during this time, people gain a lot of expectations of each other.

After a while, like any parent, supervisor, or teacher; we want consistency. At the same time, our partners may want change. When our expectations are proven false, it is easy to become irritated, and penalize someone who we care about. Remember that you're relationship is not your job and, more importantly, there is no boss.

The same problem can occur from the other end. If you're looking for change and excitement, and you're partner likes to do the same thing every Friday night, you may find yourself very unhappy. Again, remember that you are not the boss. If you want to do something different this weekend, let your partner know in advance so you can discuss it. Don't just spring it up at the last minute. Compromising is the best way to get around this problem. I am sure that anybody reading this knows that if one person in the relationship isn't happy in a certain surrounding, neither of them are.

Just to recap: the most exciting part of a relationship is usually the beginning. One reason for this is because the two involved are learning about each other and they don't know what to EXPECT. So, if you're looking for that extra excitement in you're relationship, you don't need to stretch too far. If you are having trouble relating to you're partner's new interests, you might not have to try so hard. Maybe, all you need is to lessen your expectations. I say "lessen" and not "lower" because you should never have low expectations of someone you love. Have less of them. Leave the past behind and treat every moment like a new one.

There is a Japanese saying: "Ichi go ichi e" Literally, it translates to "One opportunity, one encounter." It is used to remind people that every situation is a unique one, with a unique solution, or that every moment only happens once in a lifetime.

The cheesy moral of this post: If you love your partner, love them all the time. Love them today the same way you loved them when you first met, with wonder and respect. Respect your differences, and respect their habits.

Dating Etiquette 101: Manage Your Drinking

If you’ve managed to maintain a good conversation and have also managed your alcohol intake, you’re in good standing for another evening out with this enjoyable female. However, the biggest mistake you can make is having one too many Vodka Tonics. An even bigger mistake you can make is feeding your date too many glasses of wine …..or Vodka Tonics. Why the hell are you even drinking Vodka Tonics on your first date anyway?

If this female is someone you’re interested in furthering a near future with, it might be wise to ease up on pouring booze down your gullet, as well as your date’s. We all know social drinking helps shed some of the nervousness and awkwardness of a first date. It loosens the mood to make room for easier flowing conversation. Yet, “moderation” is your key word to success if you don’t want to transform into a sloppy, rambling fool. Too many drinks and you could potentially accentuate tiny flaws you may have not wanted to present so early on ….or you’re telling your date that you’re a problem drinker. Either one works.

It’s also important NOT to supply your date with too many drinks. Men tend to handle their alcohol better than women. There's physical proof. If you don’t believe this, then you’re one of those guys who enjoy getting their dates drunk in order to sleep with them ASAP. This would classify you as a D-bag. If your date enjoys drinking a little too much, she’s either nervous or she-herself could be a problem drinker …..in which case, you really know how to pick ‘em!

Tips:
 

1. Keep the drinking light. Know your limit. Analyze her limit. Don’t encourage her to drink more if she isn’t showing a desire to do so.
2.  Keep the conversation moving. Ask questions and be genuinely interested in what she’s saying. If she is someone you possibly see a future with, then conversation should flow naturally.

      3. If you’re not feeling it, definitely do not drink more in order to enjoy her company. You’re doing your date a disservice and you’re prolonging an early exit, if you’re too tipsy to drive.

Common Interests: Could it Cause Problems in Your Relationship?

While it’s important to try and share some of your lover’s interests, there is such a thing as too much in common. The work week can get pretty stressful, and we all need time to wind down, doing something we enjoy. Being able to watch a movie you both enjoy, playing tennis, or going dancing together are great ways to level yourself out again for the next week. However, everyone can use some space every so often that is just for themselves. 

Maybe she wants to have a girl’s night, or you want to play poker with the guys. It doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with you, and it shouldn’t mean the end of the world. It’s actually a perfect time for you to focus on yourself as well.

I was in a relationship that didn’t allow me to have these moments to myself and yes, it became frustrating. I couldn’t go help my friend build his computer or go to a job interview without her wanting to be right there with me. It ultimately led to the end of the relationship because it meant an argument, when she couldn’t go, as well as her becoming too dependent on me to be happy. No one likes that feeling.

Having time away from your mate is perfectly healthy and doesn’t mean you two are beginning to have problems. Don’t let that stop you from trying to enjoy some interests you have in common, but be sure to have something you do for yourself. Trust me, it could save a relationship.

Dating Etiquette 101: Effective First Date Attire

So, you've somewhat successfully met someone you're fond of ....Well, fond of enough to get more acquainted on a one-on-one basis. Many thoughts race through your mind in anticipation: "Will we connect?", "Will I be attracted to her under any light fixture?", "What should I wear?". Yes, believe it or not, what you wear can say a lot in your first impression.

Think of it as a job interview. You're accentuating the best parts of yourself in order to secure long-term employment in a new relationship. Don't therapists always say; "A relationship is something you need to work at!". What you wear tells your date a lot about how you carry yourself and quite possibly your exceptions.

If you're sitting down to dinner or just grabbing a beverage (hot or cold), you should ensure present-ability. Think about it... She's putting the effort in to make herself look good for you, right? What do you suppose she'll think if you show up in a pair of sneakers, shorts, and a t-shirt?

You can never go wrong with any sort of collared shirt (buttoned or Polo). A pair of slacks and a nice pair of shoes shows a touch of effort. The most important component to remember is to have your clothes form-fitting. Baggy = Sloppy. Also, it wouldn't hurt to pull out an iron once in a while. Attention to detail matters, whether you're aware of it yourself or not.

Believe me, this is nothing compared to the efforts women put into their presentation, just to receive a small compliment from you.

....and trust me me, compliments go a long way.

Welcome!

Hello and welcome to The Modern Male Perspective. Here, you'll experience stories, opinions, advice, and random thoughts on relationships, love, and much more. If you choose ESPN over your girlfriend, beer over wine, and make-up love-making over just talking about it .....then this zine is NOT for you. However, everyone is welcome to read, discuss, and debate.

Thanks,
TMMP